Save July 4th!! [retro-repost]

(A repost, from July 2009)

First, it was Christmas. Next, it was Easter. Now this.

July 4 has become too commercialized.

Yes, I wrote that sentence in a passive voice on purpose. It’s is not your fault, July 4. You have always done your part.

You began as a home-made holiday with people shooting guns in the air and making their own fireworks. When the government got involved in 1777, it was simply President Washington sending out a double ration of rum to his troops. It was wonderful.

But it didn’t last. Now, July 4 is gone — replaced by “Independence Day.”

[threatening orchestral music] The term “Independence Day” was not used until 1791 — which is, like, 14 or 15 years later (Disclaimer: I went to a Christian college, and am not great at math). That’s more than a decade!

How could this commercialization take hold, you ask? The same way conspirators always get conspiracies in the souls of a nation: songs. “My Country, ‘Tis of Thee” appeared in 1831 and “Stars and Stripes Forever” was written in 1896. After the turn of the century, who should appear, but “America the Beautiful” (1910), “God Bless America” (1918). And (are you sitting down?!?) “The Star-Spangled Banner” is sung for the first time in 1931.


Someone call Dan Brown, and get he and that Robert Langdon on the case. I smell a hostile, political conspiracy to hijack an honest holiday [/threatening music].

So, citizens, I am calling you to forsake “Independence Day.” Don’t let the “scare quotes” scare you. Celebrate JULY4 like the original Americans!

Did the original settlers need store-bought fireworks? No! They made their own — and so should you. I went googling and found a great website on how to make fireworks. Or large explosives — homeland security took the site down before I could write down all the ingredients, but I’m making a run to pick up fertilizer this afternoon.

And sing “YANKEE DOODLE,” people. Go to town on a pony! Stick a feather in your cap and call it —

WHAT?!? Macaroni was introduced in America in 1937?!?



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