New Chuck Norris Jokes

There’s a new string of Chuck Norris jokes on Twitter this morning. I’ve collected the decent ones . . . and pass the savings on to you.

Any you’d like to add?

  • When taking the SAT, write “Chuck Norris” for every answer. You will score over 8000.
  • Chuck Norris kicked Neo out of Zion, now Neo is “The Two”.
  • Chuck Norris doesn’t get wet, water gets Chuck Norris
  • Chuck Norris always knows where Waldo is. Chuck Norris is the reason Waldo is so hard to find.
  • When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris
  • Every year on his birthday Chuck selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.
  • Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because he only recognizes the element of surprise.
  • When Chuck Norris Does Long Division there is Never a Remainder
  • When an episode of Walker Texas Ranger was aired in France, the French surrendered to Chuck Norris just to be on the safe side.
  • Chuck Norris doesn’t need to swipe a card at an ATM, He just stares and the ATM empties itself.


  • In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records appendix it notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone else has ever gotten.
  • When Chuck Norris had surgery, the anesthesia was applied to the doctors.
  • Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.
  • Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.
  • Chuck Norris keeps a pillow under his gun.
  • Chuck Norris plays Russian Roulette with a full CLIP and wins.
  • Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.
  • Chuck Norris can fry ants with a magnifying glass. At night.
  • Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water AND make it drink.
  • Only Chuck Norris can prevent forest fires.
  • Chuck Norris doesn’t love Raymond.
  • Superman has Chuck Norris PJs.
  • Chuck Norris can make a snowman. From rain.

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